Thursday, December 31, 2009
I sit on a bench as the light slips away and I watch the panic run around the playground, out of control. I'm not intervening, not interfering, just watching to make sure it's OK. sitting on the park bench of loving-kindness, watching the panic tire itself out.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
Sunday, December 27, 2009
everything has it.
even me. when you remove all the overlays, the filters, the delusions, the unskillful ways in which I look at myself, I am bright and shiney and, yes, deserving of the love of myself and others, just because I exist.
I believe in the inherent worth and dignity of all beings.
the meaning of belief is the topic of another post.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
I sit next to her, close but not touching. I love you, I say. no response. I don't know why you might need to be forgiven, I say, but I forgive you. and I'm sorry, so sorry, for whatever landed you here, mute and bloody in a cold doorway that's open to the world. come, I say, let me take you away, but you shake your head ever so slightly. run, I say, go somewhere anywhere, but I know you can't move, can't talk can't get away. so I stay and sit with you, and I am you and we shake from cold and fear and we try to talk but words don't form. I would listen, I say, I will hear you but I know that you have no words, that you can't explain it or express it, and I'll sit with you for hours in therapists' chairs looking for words and finding none. we take deep in-breaths, but let the air out slowly and guardedly without a sound, without a sigh. no relief, just space for the next breath.
Friday, December 25, 2009
"As ordinary sentient beings, we'll never completely rid ourselves of egoistic thoughts and desires; it's more a question of making an honest assessment of our qualities and gradually reducing our self obsessive tendencies. If we can appraise our attitudes as more open, tolerant, loving and compassionate toward ourselves and others, we don't have to question the effectiveness of our mind training practices."
Thursday, December 24, 2009
I"m not yet able to separate from the pain enough to take care of it. I can do that with anxiety, and it works if I remember it. I can do it with sadness if I catch it early enough. The pain, though, is so overwhelming that I can't separate from it enough to meet it with tea and scones or anything else. Anxiety likes tea and scones; she likes an arm around her shoulder. sadness likes to be held and petted (she's a cat). pain .... just takes over.