Lovingkindness is good for you

Loving-kindness meditation, or metta, is a way of re-orienting our minds, of turning toward what is good, positive, and affirming, and away from defensiveness, pessimism, and criticism.

2,500 years ago, the Buddha laid out 11 benefits of lovingkindness meditation (including: you'll sleep better, you'll wake better, children and animals will love you ...) Scientific research has confirmed a number of benefits from loving-kindness meditation, nicely summed up in this post from the Kripalu blog. In even fewer words, research has found that loving kindness:
-- reduces the stress response, including inflammation;
-- rewires the brain to increase empathy and compassion ... and a feeling of social connectedness.
-- helps build personal resources for a more fulfilled life.

In traditional lovingkindess, or metta, meditation, the meditator offers to several different people the wish that they be happy, healthy, safe, and live with ease. The people include one's self, a mentor, a loved one, a neutral -- or unnoticed -- person, a difficult person, a group, and all beings.

It's easy to extend good wishes to mentors and loved ones. Science proves this too: Researchers at University of Virginia have found that humans are hardwired to empathize with those close to them at a neural level, Psychology Today reports.

According to researchers, the human brain puts strangers in one bin and the people we know in another compartment. People in your social network literally become entwined with your sense of self at a neural level. "With familiarity, other people become part of ourselves," said James Coan, a psychology professor in University of Virginia's College of Arts & Sciences who used functional magnetic resonance imaging brain (fMRI) scans to find that people closely correlate people to whom they are attached to themselves.

The researchers found that regions of the brain responsible for threat response are activated by the threat of shock to the self and the threat to a friend, Psychology Today explains. However, when the threat of shock was to a stranger, these brain areas showed minimal activity. When the threat of shock was to a friend, the brain activity of the participant was basically identical to the activity displayed under threat to the self.

The study gives a clue as to what happens when relationships with loved ones aren't loving and kind. "One of the most fascinating aspects of this study is the insight that someone being non-empathetic to a loved one is a reflection of lacking self-love. The realization that self-hate is neurobiologically at the root of a loved one being cruel makes it easy to feel sorry for them and empathize, instead of perpetuating a cycle of anger and disconnection," writer Chrisopher Bergland says.

He suggests responding to such behavior by bolstering self-love and "remaining empathetic towards loved ones who are hateful by recognizing that mean-spirtedness is a manifestation of self-hate."

Lovingkindness meditation is the tool we can use for both of those. It's a way to build a loving and kind relationship with ourselves, which enables us to have loving and kind relationships to others. It's also a way to see that the person is separate from the behavior -- the annoying person is, in essence, a person whose behavior bothers you.

The Dream

This week marks the 50th anniversary of the March on Washington for Jobs and Freedom, marked by Martin Luther King Jr.s "Dream" speech. Standing on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, King called for an end to racism in the U.S. and described his dream that ALL beings will be equal, safe, happy, and free.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal."

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today!

I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of "interposition" and "nullification" -- one day right there in Alabama little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.

I have a dream today!

The traditional metta phrases -- or lovingkindness== resonate with King's dream.

May all beings know happiness and the causes of happiness.

May all beings be free from suffering and the causes of suffering.

May all beings never be parted from freedom's true joy.

May all beings dwell in equanimity, free from attachment and aversion.

Loving kindness starts with equanimity

In most frameworks, metta -- or lovingkindness -- is taught as the first of the Four Immeasurable Qualities. As Buddhism is endlessly open to interpretation, there is another way to look at it. Patrul Rinpoche, in "Words of My Perfect Teacher," says training in the four mind qualities should begin with impartiality, or equanimity, which is usually taught last.

Otherwise, whatever love, compassion, sympathetic joy we generate will tend to be one-sided and not completely pure. ... Impartiality means giving up our hatred for enemies and infatuation with friends, and having an even-minded attitude toward all beings, free of attachment to those close to us and aversion for those who are distant.

The book is a classic introduction to Tibetan Buddhism and takes a long view. Those who are now seen as enemies, he says, could be our children in our next life, and our friends could be our enemies.  Our friends now may harm us more than our enemies if a desire to be with them keeps us from practicing the dharma. "Make a firm decision," he says, "to see all beings as your parents and children." (In traditional Buddhist teachings, it is assumed that you are filled with warm regard and unconditional love for your parents.)
Impartiality, he cautions, does not mean indifference. "It is no substitute for boundless impartiality just to think of everybody, friends and enemies, as the same, without any particular feelings of compassion, hatred, or whatever. That is mindless impartiality... Our attitude toward all beings throughout space should be a vast feeling of compassion, encompassing them all equally."
That's a tall order.
In the section on love (he doesn't include kindness in the name), he says to generate the feeling that all beings are your young children. If you have children, that's a powerful tool. Here are some other techniques he suggests:
-- Meditate on the thought of "how wonderful it would be if each one of those beings could have all the happiness and comfort they wish." I imagine that if that happened, conflict would cease. How wonderful that would be.
-- When you look at someone, let your expression be smiling and pleasant, an expression of your open heart, rather than scowling or angry.
-- Make your words pleasant. Avoid expressing contempt, criticism, and jealousy.
-- When you help others, don't expect recognition for it. Do it to help, not to bolster your ego.
-- Try to find ways to introduce others to the Dharma.

All beings are striving for happiness and comfort, They all want to be happy and comfortable, not one of them wants to be unhappy or to suffer, Yet they do not understand that the cause of happiness is positive actions ... in their attempt to find happiness, they only bring suffering upon themselves.

Love all/serve all.

A Ritual To Read To Each Other

If you don't know the kind of person I am
and I don't know the kind of person you are
a pattern that others made may prevail in the world
and following the wrong god home we may miss our star.

For there is many a small betrayal in the mind,
a shrug that lets the fragile sequence break
sending with shouts the horrible errors of childhood
storming out to play through the broken dyke.

And as elephants parade holding each elephant's tail,
but if one wanders the circus won't find the park,
I call it cruel and maybe the root of all cruelty
to know what occurs but not recognize the fact.

And so I appeal to a voice, to something shadowy,
a remote important region in all who talk:
though we could fool each other, we should consider--
lest the parade of our mutual life get lost in the dark.

For it is important that awake people be awake,
or a breaking line may discourage them back to sleep;
the signals we give--yes or no, or maybe--
should be clear: the darkness around us is deep.

William Stafford :

Training in Metta

Metta -- lovingkindness meditation -- is a stealth practice that you can do anywhere, without anyone else knowing, and it can transform your experience. I like to do it in groups where I can observe people quietly -- like on the train.

This week I took Metro North into NYC and decided to use the time for my daily metta practice, which I'm doing for IDP's metta month in August. The method I've been using is slightly different from the usual one. It involves visualizing three people: on your left is someone you love, on your right is a difficult person, and in front of you is a neutral person. It works with the three poisons of attraction, aversion, and indifference.
In this case, I chose people on the train. The person I felt affection toward was the man in the seat behind me, who offered to help put my bag in the overhead rack. The difficult person was actually a group of loud giggly young women a few seats away. And the neutral person was the man next to me, a business type in a navy pinstripe suit checking email on his phone.
The idea is to feel the person's presence and your own reaction. The inclination is to lean toward the person you love and away from the difficult person. By touching in with your own bodhicitta, you even out. Is there something in the irritating person you can connect with? In this case, I touched in with the young women's excitement. Clearly, they had plans-- they all wore pretty dresses and had their hair arranged. They had a Big Day in the City ahead of them, and their giddy excitement spilled out. May you be safe and happy in your adventure.
The neutral person was someone I would not have thought much about. But the conductor noted that he had a peak-hour ticket, and this was off-peak, so he was late for work. His jaw was tight. I've been there. May you live with ease, young master of the universe.
It's easy to wish good thinga for the person you like. I caught the cadence of an Irish accent as he talked on the phone, quietly. He was helpful. Be safe, happy, healthy, and at ease, sir.
And then, extend the feeling to everyone in the train. With the walls of your heart down for these three, send metta to everyone. And everyone in the towns we pass through, the city, and the world.
It makes for a pleasant trip. Even the process of getting off and and making my way through

Grand Central didn't annoy me. And that is a transformation.

Powerful people are less empathetic: study

A new study finds that people who feel powerful are less empathetic -- that feeling powerful reduces activity in the regions of the brain that respond to others' activity (the mirror) system.

NPR reports, in "When Power Goes to Your Head It May Shut Out Your Heart,"

"What we're finding is power diminishes all varieties of empathy," says Dacher Keltner, a social psychologist at University of California, Berkeley, not involved in the new study. He says these results fit a trend within psychological research.
"Whether you're with a team at work [or] your family dinner, all of that hinges on how we adapt our behaviors to the behaviors of other people," he says. "And power takes a bite out of that ability, which is too bad."
The good news, Keltner says, is an emerging field of research that suggests powerful people who begin to forget their subordinates can be coached back to their compassionate selves.

The Buddha listed the Four Immeasurable Qualities (aka the Brahma Viharas, or Divine Abodes) of metta (lovingkindness); compassion, empathetic joy, and equanimity. There are meditations designed to develop each one.

Perhaps, in addition to corporate mindfulness meditation, some corporate compassion training is in order.

George Saunders, a creative writing professor at Syracuse University, gave a commencement speech with an unusual message: Be kind. After it was printed last week in the New York Times, the speech went viral, demonstrating that people are aching to hear that.Saunders tells a story about a girl who came to his school, was teased horribly, and left at the end of the year. Although he didn't take part, he felt bad that he didn't do more.

What I regret most in my life are failures of kindness.
Those moments when another human being was there, in front of me, suffering, and I responded...sensibly. Reservedly. Mildly.

Why are we not kinder to one another? Like the Buddha, Saunders says that the problem is that we think we're separate, permanent, and singular.

There's a confusion in each of us, a sickness, really: selfishness. But there's also a cure. So be a good and proactive and even somewhat desperate patient on your own behalf - seek out the most efficacious anti-selfishness medicines, energetically, for the rest of your life.
Do all the other things, the ambitious things - travel, get rich, get famous, innovate, lead, fall in love, make and lose fortunes, swim naked in wild jungle rivers (after first having it tested for monkey poop) - but as you do, to the extent that you can, err in the direction of kindness. Do those things that incline you toward the big questions, and avoid the things that would reduce you and make you trivial. That luminous part of you that exists beyond personality - your soul, if you will - is as bright and shining as any that has ever been. Bright as Shakespeare's, bright as Gandhi's, bright as Mother Theresa's. Clear away everything that keeps you separate from this secret luminous place. Believe it exists, come to know it better, nurture it, share its fruits tirelessly.

What's kindness got to do with it?

Metta, the first of the Buddha's Four Immeasurable Qualities, is a Pali word generally translated as lovingkindness (or loving-kindness). Why isn't it just love? What's kindness got to do with it?

We tend to use the word "love" a lot. We love coffee, kittens, summer days, dry white wine, walks on the beach at sunset, and "The Daily Show." In the old but still relevant "Annie Hall," Woody Allen tells Diane Keaton that he doesn't just love her, he "lurves" her to distinguish his feelings from the generic "love" we express toward those things we like.

Adding the suffix "kindness" changes things in a fundamental way. Kindness is not a word that we throw around lightly. We might use "nice" in its place -- when someone brings us coffee or chocolate, you might say, "Oh, that's so nice of you." And it is nice. But it's also kind. And because kindness is a word that's not in our everyday vocabulary, throwing it in stops our minds, which gives them time to undo the auto reply and think about what we're saying. 

My first experience with metta was at a weekend retreat. In the traditional teachings, you practice metta by starting with yourself and going through a succession of people ending with everyone in the whole wide world (and beyond, if you think that way).

But we started with someone dear to us, someone we love, someone it's easy to send the wishes that they be happy, safe, healthy, and live with ease. Then, we were told, to let our sense or image of that person dissolve -- while keeping that loving feeling -- and put ourselves in that place.

For me, and many others in the room, the engine fell out of the metta machine at that point and came to a dead stop. That lovin' feeling? Now it's gone gone gone. Like many people, I was not raised with the idea that I should love myself or be kind to myself. Much was expected of me, and I expected even more. Kindness was not on the rubric.

For me, one of the radical ideas of Buddhism is that I should love myself as I love my (metaphorical) neighbor, that I was as deserving of kindness as anyone else. That, in fact, if I cannot treat myself with love and kindness, what I offer to others may appear to be metta-phorical but, in fact, is meant to appease or win favor and is based in fear or pity.

What we call "love" is often attachment -- maybe, if you're close enough to adolescence or adolescents, you've heard the phrase, "If you love chocolate so much you should marry it." "I love coffee" means "I want coffee" and the more of it the better.

Real love, the kind meant by metta, isn't grasping; it's generous. Think of a being you really love -- you want them to have the best, you give them the corner piece of the cake with all the frosting, and you take a center piece. You care for them.

Once I was on retreat, and I was so tired that I couldn't handle the slow, circular walking meditation; I felt like I would crash into a wall or fall over. I left the room (which is how in it's done in this tradition) and met the teacher coming down the hall. I told him how I felt and said I was going to lie down on the couch in the common room and I was really sorry, I knew I should be walking, but ... He cut me off. "That would be the kind thing to do," he said.

And the kind thing is always the loving thing. We just need to be reminded of that.