everybody has a hungry heart

This weekend I went to visit my mother for her 80th birthday. My brother planned a party (and I let him without feeling resentful, a first). I have a lot of issues with my mother, a lifetime of hurt and resentment. I figured out my new ipod a couple of days before and had downloaded a bunch of podcasts from Against the Stream, including the forgiveness talk and meditation from Kripalu. (I was there, but I figured I would hear new things if I listened when I wasn't so distraught.) In the car on the way to the airport, I did the meditation (my husband was driving). On the plane, I listened to the talk. What struck me this time was your statement that "no one hurts you out of wisdom." And I thought about that a lot.
As a result, I was able to meet my mother in a new way, with a heart that was open at least a crack. And it was probably the best visit we've ever had. I learned things about her -- she's holding resentments of her own that are 50 years old -- and at one point, I walked into the kitchen and gave her a hug for no particular reason, which never happens.
The slate's not clean by any means. There's a well of old pain there that I have to work through, slowly. And by opening my heart to her, I discovered a dozen other people who I need to drop my resentments toward that I hadn't even thought of. I see why this takes years.
But I left there with no new resentments. She's 80 years old, and for a moment or two, there was a pure love between us. I'm happy about that.

rejecting our emotions is a problem

"When we recognize an emotion, such as strong passion accompanied by jealousy, we are actually breaking down the speed of that emotion. The total sense of recognition is important in both Sutra and Tantra. In Sutra, it is mindfulness. In Tantra, if we see that nature and look at it nakedly, we will see the nature of that wisdom. You don't need to logically apply any reasoning. You don't need to conceptually meditate on anything. Just simply recognize and observe it....We will have the experience of that wisdom by simply being with it without conception. Therefore, recognition is quite important.

"The first step is just simply to observe it. Simply recognize the emotion and then watch it as it grows or as it continues. Just simply watch it. In the beginning, just to have an idea that [the emotion] is coming is very important and effective. In the Vajrayana [Tantric] sense, the way to watch these emotions is without stopping them. If we recognize the emotion and say, "Yes, it is passion," and then try to stop it, that's a problem. Rejection our emotions is a problem in Vajrayana.

-Dzogchen Ponlop Rinpoche
Penetrating Wisdom

rejecting our emotions is a problem

"When we recognize an emotion, such as strong passion accompanied by jealousy, we are actually breaking down the speed of that emotion. The total sense of recognition is important in both Sutra and Tantra. In Sutra, it is mindfulness. In Tantra, if we see that nature and look at it nakedly, we will see the nature of that wisdom. You don't need to logically apply any reasoning. You don't need to conceptually meditate on anything. Just simply recognize and observe it....We will have the experience of that wisdom by simply being with it without conception. Therefore, recognition is quite important.

"The first step is just simply to observe it. Simply recognize the emotion and then watch it as it grows or as it continues. Just simply watch it. In the beginning, just to have an idea that [the emotion] is coming is very important and effective. In the Vajrayana [Tantric] sense, the way to watch these emotions is without stopping them. If we recognize the emotion and say, "Yes, it is passion," and then try to stop it, that's a problem. Rejection our emotions is a problem in Vajrayana.

-Dzogchen Ponlop Rinpoche
Penetrating Wisdom

breaking open

Today I had the realization that when your heart breaks open, it opens to immeasurable joy as well as immeasurable pain. And that you can experience both while you're driving to the gym, and neither one makes you drive off the road.

Then, as I was walking on the treadmill before yoga, I read this (in an article by Pema Chodren in Shambhala Sun): "Somehow when my heart broke, the qualities of natural warmth, qualities like kindness and empathy and appreciation, just spontaneously emerged."

And my heart and brain both said a big huge "yes!" to this because that was exactly what I had experienced.

When I meditate, I tell myself, I love you, I forgive, I'm sorry. 54 times (twice around the wrist mala). and I see that someday I might be able to mean it.