Tuesday, October 13, 2009

everybody has a hungry heart

This weekend I went to visit my mother for her 80th birthday. My brother planned a party (and I let him without feeling resentful, a first). I have a lot of issues with my mother, a lifetime of hurt and resentment. I figured out my new ipod a couple of days before and had downloaded a bunch of podcasts from Against the Stream, including the forgiveness talk and meditation from Kripalu. (I was there, but I figured I would hear new things if I listened when I wasn't so distraught.) In the car on the way to the airport, I did the meditation (my husband was driving). On the plane, I listened to the talk. What struck me this time was your statement that "no one hurts you out of wisdom." And I thought about that a lot.
As a result, I was able to meet my mother in a new way, with a heart that was open at least a crack. And it was probably the best visit we've ever had. I learned things about her -- she's holding resentments of her own that are 50 years old -- and at one point, I walked into the kitchen and gave her a hug for no particular reason, which never happens.
The slate's not clean by any means. There's a well of old pain there that I have to work through, slowly. And by opening my heart to her, I discovered a dozen other people who I need to drop my resentments toward that I hadn't even thought of. I see why this takes years.
But I left there with no new resentments. She's 80 years old, and for a moment or two, there was a pure love between us. I'm happy about that.

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